Her Side Funnies

Well, I just got home from registering Heidi and Ben for school.  For Heidi, this is her senior year and I am so thankful to have a good friend who has been through this experience just prior to me.  As I viewed Heidi’s schedule, I was dubious when I saw five college courses among her classes, one with a teacher she did not adore.  Translated by my dear friend, this means she will compromise the grades in four classes to engage in all out war with the fifth teacher.  She will come home at melt-down point, in tears.  Her dad and I will encourage her to suck-it-up, make nice with the evil one, and keep the ship steady toward graduation.  She will translate this to mean we don’t support her and hope she dies a slow evil death following a marriage to a “knucklehead who doesn’t pay attention,” (Heidi’s words not mine).  This will mean we will spend an emotional, hormonally charged last year with our child which will result in us all needing counseling, if not divorce.  Kitty (my friend) always drives home the point reminding me about the teenage girl hormones.  She assures me they will make my life a living nightmare since she is convinced living with teenagers CAUSES mood swings, irritability, crankiness, headaches, lower back pain, hurting hair, itchy teeth and homicidal tendencies - often INcorrectly diagnosed as menopause – when really it is the natural consequence of living with a 40-something man and one or more teenagers.

So, having had the smoke screen lifted, I frantically phoned the school and requested a study hour instead of Satanic Chemistry.  Easy-schmeasy.  Whew.  That was a close call.  Motherhood 501.  The advanced course.  I hope I get an A.

Ken cannot wait.  He’s eyeing that brandy with a more accepting view now.  In fact, though our consumption of brandy over the last decade has been less than impressive – teetering around one jigger over 10 years –  he thinks he will personally consume all 12 gallons of it this year if he has to live with a hormonal teen AND a menopausal woman at the same time.

In fact, he has suggested that I quit molesting the apricot tree, and rolling around gallon jars of the fruit/vodka mix atop my kitchen counters and just stock up on straight vodka in anticipation of the upcoming year.

Back to the senior year schedule, the advice of the hour is:  1) Don’t let the counselors talk your kid into making the last year at home more miserable than necessary.  2) If they try to sell it as free college, remember, your kid is not through baking yet – and a half-baked kid at college – in more difficult than usual classes – could spell disaster.  Your kid could drop out and expect to move back in with you.  And 3) Watch the vodka inventory closely.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 17th, 2009 at 12:27 pm and is filed under OMG Kids, Uncategorized. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments. You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site. Your comments will be moderated but will appear as soon as humanly possible.