Her Side Funnies

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I was busy trying to finish a building project that had consumed the garage bay, forcing me to leave my car outside, which, considering the condition of the fences, had the ever-present risk that I would find a goat on top of it. This is always a decidedly unhappy discovery.

Speaking of goats, I took several to the sale.  I needed Ben’s help and he ended up getting dragged halfway down the steep, rock-covered hillside leading to our house.  Poor kid.  I told him to grab the goat by a hind leg and when he did, the goat somehow wheeled around and kicked him in the crotch in some sort of goat karate move that surprised both Ben and me.  (I, for one, didn’t know the goats were studying karate.)  

The goat pictured above is a blue-collared (blue belt) in karate and is giving “the submit-or-I’ll-embarrass-you” stare.  She can flip, kick and humble an owner in less than eight seconds.  True black-collared goats can leave an owner wishing they were dead.

While Ben was bent over, the goat dragged him down the hillside with Ben doing modified one-armed cartwheels in some sort of unauthorized bid to compete on the next Olympic gymnastic team. Though he incorporated admittedly original moves, I think one has to perform the same show more than once to be an Olympian, and Ben assured me his show was a “one-time gig.” Once he reached the bottom of the hill, the other karate-trained goats considered attacking Ben with their horns, which was a surprising crescendo for me, not to mention, Ben.

These sort of events always cause me to lose credibility, as I assured Ben that catching and loading that goat would be “no problem,” and here it was—becoming a problem.

Of course I was a lot of help.  I have been reading how to resolve conflicts without violence, and how important it is for parents to let their children work out their own inner conflicts without interfering. In this case, I thought was a very good idea.

Anyway, it wasn’t a pretty picture.  Before it was over, Ben got so mad at that goat that he flipped it and tackled it and glared at the rest of the goats promising the same for them if they didn’t get smart quick.  (I recognized this as a bluff because goats never get smart – and Ben knows that…but I digress.)  The goat laid there, like it was dead – and, I thought it was – which directly contradicts how the book say these issues resolve – I mean, it’s right there, page 43, “the conflicted parties talk it through, realize their differences and part as friends,”  but, I’m sorry to report, it did not play out that way. 

The Jackie-Chan-goat proceeded to try several other karate moves including several I had never seen – all the way into the back of the truck where I was confident I would not miss it after selling it.  Now, I am happy to say, I don’t miss it – and I have sold it!  And I am unhappy to say it did not bring a premium price for knowing karate.  A fat goat that just walked quietly alongside it’s owner brought more money than this one.

As for Ben, stay tuned. His outlook on agriculture seems to have suffered, only surpassed by his resolute declaration that he will never marry a woman who wants to have a goat—ever—no matter how rich or beautiful. I told him he showed some promise for professional wrestling, and he glared at me. I believe he actually hopes to get an office job somewhere. Secretly, I watch these other parents trying to gently coax their children into pursuing college and a professional field. Personally, I think they are going about it all wrong. One stint in my goat pen, and they can hitch a loaded hay wagon onto their kid and the kid will pull the whole load toward college graduating Summa Cum Laude. Either that, or they’ll be Hollywood stunt men.

Speaking of stunt men, husband Ken is in California this week.  When he called and I told him I had sold some goats he was panicked that I sold his “favorite” goat—a stupid brown goat that even the dog fell in love with.  That has continued to be a doomed romance.  The dog is in love – but the goat’s attention span is really short, and he has loyalty issues that run deep.  He’ll flirt with the dog, and then—right in front of the dog—he will flirt with another goat.  Gutsy!   But to win over Ken…that’s just scary.  Ken’s been jilted several times before – I thought he’d recognize a liar and cheat when he saw one.  As for me, I am not threatened so I kept the goat for another week.  If it learns to cook, though – it is outta here! Either that, or I will teach Ben some goat moves he did not try. At least one involves a skillet!

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 5th, 2009 at 7:55 pm and is filed under Animal drama, OMG Kids. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments. You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site. Your comments will be moderated but will appear as soon as humanly possible.